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Monday, 8 February 2010

Victorian Beckham Plays Housewife

No, no, no Victoria. You are a lovely, funny, misguided young fool and we, the British who really rather adore you and admire your sheer determination to be lots of things you are not, want to tell you that these images for U. S Glamour were a big, fat, skinny mistake.

Yes, we know Madonna got away with it last month and we all secretly rather liked the pouty, leopard skin images of her peeling onions for Dolce and Gabanna, but Victoria Sweetie, that's because we all got the irony, and in our wildest imagination, we could at a stretch imagine she was just one more sultry Italian housewife doing her thing.
But you Victoria, you just aren't Madonna are you? We don't get the joke because you look like a porn star posing for the kind of magazine they sell in cellophane in service stations. (Little Jugs?) We don't get the joke because we were kind of hoping that beyond the whole Spicy business, and bizarre, profile only paparrazi shots, you were a bit like us: bringing up your boys and holding your marriage together. An ordinary woman leading an extra-ordinary life. We don't get the joke because the message is all muddled up: at once patronising, sleazy and saddest of all, dosed in the kind of "I wanna be's" that dilute your authenticity.

Have I made myself clear? Good. Now do excuse me, I'm off to caress myself with my Posh telephone. Have a lovely day Honey Pie.x


LissyLou said...

mmmmm yes, because i wear that when i do the cleaning too!!!!!!! lmao xxx

Anonymous said...

why has she gone for an Amy Winehouse beehive?


vmichelle said...

The one I find most funny/bizarre is being on all fours scrubbing the floor, with a bowl of chocolate batter and a whisk sitting there too. Umm, why is there a bowl of chocolate batter on the floor? Totally bizarre. Although I will say, sometimes I "feel" like this as a housekeeper just a bit. The sink full of dishes and all the doors and drawers open. It may not be that bad, but sometimes it feels that way! So this makes me laugh a little.

LissyLou said...

and as if VB actually ever eats choc cake and whipped cream!!?? me thi ks not xx

Anonymous said...

Those spike heels are the reason she's facing major foot surgery. Silly girl. And you're right, Madonna just about pulled it off. Not all together, in my view. However, it IS Mrs B doing what she excels at; getting her photo taken.

Counting Your Blessings said...

Am I the only one that wants that bathing suit thing she's wearing in pic #3? Of course, I want to look good in it too. Is that asking more than is reasonable?

Blessings... Polly

lollylumps said...

Well i think she look's fab.It's only a photo shoot it's not real people don't see the funny side enough!!!!I bet her three gorgous boy's wet themselves laughing at ther mummy!And i can totally see why she has the attention of one of the most desirable men in the world!GOOD LUCK TO YOU VICTORIA!

marble rose said...

AND AND and - she should know better than to keep solvents in the bottom cupboard what with her expanding brood.
Vicky dear, Social Services on line 3!!!

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